It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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