I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
