Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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