my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
