for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
