Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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