Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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