i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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