She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
