how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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