oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
