am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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