Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
