tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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