In the future we'll all be gay
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
