one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Your cock deserves a montage
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
