I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
