If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
