If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
