I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
