I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
