I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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