he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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