Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
