my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
