When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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