I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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