Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
