so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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