He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
