I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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