How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
