Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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