Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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