i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i dont even know how to be here
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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