Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
