you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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