You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
vagina is talking i cant
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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