the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
