May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
