kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
