Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
