We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
