I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
