I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
