they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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