Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
