Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
