I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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