Umm I'm too high to move.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
