fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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