I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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